Shared from Within Reach Magazine Winter 2025. Read it now!
Yesterday I felt strong...
Most days are like this. I don’t even notice my arm. In my head, I’m just like everyone else, living my life and adapting as I go; invincible, a queen of the problem-solving, keeping up with all the two-handed things as quickly as anyone else.
But today I felt disabled.
Things just felt, hard.
I noticed my arm in the mirror and just couldn’t shake it; this sometimes happens, depending on where I am or what I’m wearing. I catch it in the corner of my eye when I’m typing or sometimes in the changing room of a shop. It’ll jump out at me from nowhere; I’m feeling good and then bam! I see it and can’t unsee it.
I’m happy to say that I have a disability but I don’t see myself as disabled; I don’t see myself as looking different or the way I do things but once I notice it something in my head says, ‘oh yeh, I am different, and it makes me feel sad’.
Today was one of those days. It lingered in the back of my mind for a few hours. Creeping in at inopportune moments, distracting me every now and then and then eventually it faded away again.
My back and neck also ached, probably from carrying our puppy Mali around, which I’ve been doing a lot lately and the only way is with my right arm.
Come to think of it, it’s not just from carrying Mali; my back aches quite often, from picking up the shopping bags, the laundry, the dog crate, the delivery box, the dishes from the dishwasher…
I keep fit; I do yoga, I try to stay strong and keep my body strong to tackle the everyday but sometimes my body just hurts and my mind ruminates on negative things – that’s just what it is to be human I guess.
Yes, I climb, hike, run and push my body too; I am a mountain leader and full team member of mountain rescue so staying fit and being able to carry a big pack up a mountain is important, but sometimes it’s the simple things that take the biggest toll. The two-handed everyday chores or actions many take for granted that use the energy that I had in reserve for the fun stuff.
When my mind and body are tired, over-used and aching in all the ways and I just can’t bring myself to go for the run in the end or I leave the dishwasher unemptied it’s not always laziness but I think sometimes, just sometimes, it’s an overwhelming sense of being ‘done’. Done of using my right arm, done having to do the extra trips it takes to and from the dishwasher just to put everything away.
I think this is part of living with a physical disability. You see, I’ve spent a lifetime training to simply keep up with everyday life.
Battling to get my seatbelt done up quick enough at the petrol station for the waiting car behind, packing my shopping as quickly as possible at the supermarket to avoid keeping people waiting in the queue; learning to type quickly using my little finger on my left arm even though it makes my neck burn, or even moving my yoga blocks on and off my mat as efficiently as possible during yoga in order to retain some sort of Vinyasa flow… It’s exhausting and I don’t even notice I’m doing it; measuring myself against others, racing according to the two-handed standards that surround me and engulf my consciousness.
This is not a complaint but rather a reminder; of the extra work and effort that constant adapting and problem-solving takes to simply cruise at society’s established baseline. And a reminder that despite appearing confident, capable, strong, adaptable…sometimes I’m not.
I believe it’s important to share the wins with our ULD community but also the realities of living with a difference. Sure, not everyone will have the same aches and pains as me, or struggle in the same ways but I hope that if you do, or you are facing struggles of your own, that you know you’re not alone on your journey.
I hope that you can stop and take a moment to acknowledge the ‘extra’ you put in. That you feel proud of yourself for tackling this two-handed world as well as you possibly can, and I hope you know that it’s OK to not feel OK all of the time.
Read it now in Within Reach Magazine Winter 2025!
